COACH'S CORNER SEPTEMBER 30, 1999
THE COACH'S GUIDE TO WESTERN CIVILIZATION, PART I

Well, and this is a true story, I have been asked by one of my faithful readers to write a Coach's Guide to Western Philosophy to cheer up an ailing philosopher friend of hers. We aim to please, and as you know I am very concerned that we as coaches must keep up our edification or our brains will become fried from too many X's and O's but basketball season is coming up so this will have to be quick.

First, the history of the world was summed up quite nicely by my number one son when he was five years old:
First there was dinosaurs
Then George Washington
Then Martin Luther King.

I thought this was a good start.

I will start with the Greeks. Yes, I know the Egyptians are part of Western Civilization but you can watch "Ancient Psychic Secrets of the Pharaohs" on A&E as well as I can.

We know the Greeks were very warlike on account of Helen running off to Troy and starting the Trojan War. This gave rise to a very long epic poem called "The Iliad" of which the moral is:

1. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts and
2. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

After Troy fell, Ulysses took twenty years to sail back home, which is as long as it will take you to read James Joyce's biography by the same name.. Ulysses was a rogue and a cad, but everyone loved or hated him, including: a) swooning girlfriends b) irritated wife c) wife's boyfriends d) Cyclops. Everyone who does not get dumped or killed by Ulysses lives happily ever after.

Meanwhile, the Greeks at home had a lot of time on their hands due to the fact that all their work was done by slaves, and so were Thinking Great Thoughts about the Causes of Everything. In 2000 years they came up with the following ideas: 1. Everything is earth. 2. Everything is air. 3. Everything is water. 4. Everything is fire. 5. Everything is beer. (actually this last one is my uncle Vito's idea). These philosophers were called "The Presocratics". In the modern world, we call them "A Rock Band From the '70's" .

With so many Causes of Everything to choose from, many philosophers became confused and so two great conflicting schools arose to deal with the many problems caused by thinking too much. The chief protagonists were Heraclitus, Parmenides, and Diabetes. Their big dispute can be summarized as follows:

1. You can never step into the same river twice.
2. Yes you can.

With all these know-it-alls around, it was only natural that Socrates would occur, as he only asked questions. His pupil Plato, however, following the philosophical principle of the Dialectic, which is that everything eventually turns into its opposite, became the Supreme Know It All.

Plato is best known for the Myth of the Cave. Here is the deal. If you walk into the cave and see the shadows on the wall and think that they are reality, you are an idiot and cannot vote. This is 99.9% of the population. In modern day times, we call these people "the undecideds". But if you realize that there are things behind the shadows, however, the "things in themselves", you become the philosopher king and get to boss everyone else around. We repeat this test once a generation to see who gets to be king.

Well I don't know about you, but most philosophers I have met are not able to tie their own shoe laces without a two hour discussion, much less run a country.

Finally, we have Aristotle, who was orderly and boring. Everything was "in the middle" with him. Not too much of this, not too much of that. Very wishy washy. In modern days we call these people "politicians."

Well, that's enough for now, so on to basketball!
©1999 Adrienne Larkin