COACH'S CORNER MARCH 18, 1999

Moving along to the activity of hunting, the papers have been filled recently with stories of rodents invading our homes, offices, and gym bags. Even San Francisco's new city hall has been invaded by little micies, causing secretaries to scream and jump on their desks. Exterminators (no!) have been called.

This creature problem has either been caused or not caused by El Nino, I cannot remember which. In any case, we too have been invaded by wild rodents of the mouse variety and so, as always, we pass on useful information to you on how to cope with these hordes of marauding creatures.

First: it is important to note that we do not subscribe to the practices of another columnist, whose name I forget, who trapped a poor defenseless mousie on a sticky trap and then threw it out the window. No. We use only humane methods, on the theory that the mice were probably there first and who are we to get an attitude about this?

Rid yourselves of a few preconceptions. Such as: you must close up the dog food bag or the mice will climb into the bag and eat the dog food. It is true that mice have powers of levitation which enable them to get into a four foot high bag of dogfood with slippery sides so they can eat the dogfood. Do not scream when you discover six mice in the dogfood bag. Instead, think of the bag as a clever if somewhat oversized mousetrap.

Next: buy those cute little "mouse house" traps that close shut when the mouse climbs in to eat the peanut butter. Note I did not say cheese. Contrary to popular opinion, mice do not like cheese. Or, at least the mice in our house have devised ways to remove the cheese from the traps without setting off the traps. Perhaps they skewer the cheese with long paper clips, I don't know, but the cheese is usually gone and so are the mice. Peanut butter, on the other hand, is not readily removed with a paper clip.

But where to place the traps? Ignore that ridiculous advice about putting the traps behind the sofa, etc. The best place to put a mouse trap is next to your guinea pig.

Why do I say this? Guinea Pigs are, amazingly, not pigs (who knew?) but large rodents. They are called "pigs" because: no one would buy a pet called a Guinea Rat. We have a guinea pig named Pig, and every morning, there is at least one mouse looking longingly at Pig through the bars of his cage. We do not know if the mice simply admire Pig and want to be like him when they grow up, or whether they are, in fact, in love. Perhaps they are planning to elope. But trap them we must. We worry that Pig will die of a broken heart.

Disposing of the mice is not a problem. If you have a neighbor you don't like, the answer is obvious. But, assuming you do not want to get sued for aiding and abetting a trespass by a rodent, there is always the pond.

Even though it is a royal pain, we have decided mice belong with the ducks. So we don our vinyl gloves (being wary of that nasty Hanta virus thing), transport the mice houses (or the dogfood bag) to the little field with the ducks and let the mice free in their newly established mouse homeland. I think they are happy - they certainly are relieved - even though I am sure they miss Pig, who waits for his new friends every morning before they too are carted off to the duck pond.

Happy hunting!

Other methods? Email to alarkin@microweb.com
©Adrienne Larkin 1999